A spinster's web

Working tirelessly
Singlemindedly
Painstakingly, cutting hundreds of intricate forms from the fabric,
one stitch at a time to bless the new bride,
while I remain desolate, cast out, unloved.

You cannot declare bankruptcy for karmic debt.
You can only pay it with your own blood.
Working is cleaning, giving is cleaning,
Polishing the mirror surface of your soul,
So that someday you might find your love clearly reflected back without distortion.

The beggars at the train station have learned this well.
With nothing tangible to give,
They nonetheless give the most precious gift of all,
Calling out "God bless you!" to every ear that hears.

Psalm: Rebirth

I have gorged myself on the sweet, forbidden fruit
Of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

I have eaten sin, sucked the marrow out of its bones,
endlessly stuffed my mouth with the flesh and blood of my brothers.

Nourished by violence, my body became violent,
muscles filled with angry, red inflammation,
mind filled with dark, swirling chaos.
My body became violent and rioted against me, making plans to throw me out.

But you reached for me through a long-forgotten voice,
licking at a far corner of my mind,
slowly filling my angry body with your light and presence over many years,
shaking out all the rage,
squeezing out all the tears.

While the outside of my life raged against me and fell apart,
leaving me completely broken on the rocks,
you entered me with your gentle power,
and made me into an apricot tree,
rooted in you,
now blossoming,
now bearing fruit.

Publicly naked

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed right now...overwhelmed and scared and excited all at once. The reason being, I am finding myself called to service in four very different places at the same time. There is my "day" job in the financial industry, where I work for a company that is currently working on the largest project of its kind in history--and what I do or don't do has a definite effect on the bottom line. And then my side job as a wedding dress designer. And now, in addition, though I wanted to avoid it, I've been called to volunteer positions with two spiritually based organizations--one that calls itself Christian, one that calls itself alternative, both brought to my awareness by the Divinity Itself.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. The road ahead is fraught with a hundred million opportunities to fall, and a million million opportunities for my weaknesses to be exposed. I suppose this is where all my training of becoming completely open and vulnerable in sacred space is supposed to come in handy--but I have little desire to be so vulnerable out in the real world!

It doesn't matter, though. God wants me here, exactly where I am, as exactly who I am--and all I really have to do is listen to His voice and do what it says.

Resolute

I traveled back to that fateful night, so long ago now, where you fell away from me, fell to your death into the abyss.

An erratic dagger, recklessly flailing in every direction, tore and slashed through the delicate petals until nothing remained.

I was the dagger--now I am the rose. Pale pastel peach, overflowing with thick, honeylike nectar--locked behind an iron gate.

I am ready. I wait. I will wait, if need be, until every petal has fallen and the snow buries me underground.

Bring loving hands, or bring crushing blows. Either way, I am here.

Turning around

The land resonates with my vibration
the green grass welcomes me home
its energy tangible, tingling my feet.

Reverently, I get to work.
Vigorously pulling up weeds,
finding hidden treasures of delicious fruit,
sown in anticipation of my arrival.

fierce gaze

Withdrawn and alone in a thicket of trees, the hair hangs down in front of my face. I am like a wild creature, fierce eyes, claws unsheathed, reflexes primal.

Come near me and I'll rip you to shreds. It's the law of the jungle. No one approaches another to give, only to take.

I have a heart. It's there, beating, deep within my body. The law of the jungle makes it an irrelevant, dangerous liability.

This woman swings wildly from the vines. This woman shoots poisoned darts from a blowgun with deadly accuracy. This woman can take you down, lay you low, destroy you as easily as she can breathe.

To be human, to love and care--long forgotten ancestral memories. Just to live another day takes every ounce of strength stored in these bones and sinews.

A rare and precious opportunity

I've taken a much-needed hiatus from posting, using the time to go even deeper within than I can possibly go with an audience. Not much poetry has come up within this time, only clarity--but it's a clarity I cannot speak of, not yet. The seedling is too fragile; it will die if I allow it to be trampled underfoot.

What brought me back was the call I received to serve on the team for the next Gift Weekend in Chicago. This is an absolutely unique event, an opportunity for women to connect with the deep innate Feminine wisdom in the safety of sacred space, a chance to receive the deepest longings of our hearts--even those longings we dare not even speak aloud to others. I would not be who I am today if I hadn't been dragged to an introductory circle back in 2007.

The Gift is a three-day journey, taken by twenty-two women at a time. Each weekend is an absolutely unique event and cannot be duplicated. Participants have the opportunity to create for themselves a unique, personal rite of initiation--involving the death of something that no longer serves, and a rebirth into something new. At my initiation in 2007, I released 30 years of pent-up rage and received a completely new mind and spirit--that was where I ceased to be Sarita, with all the old labels and judgments that had been placed on her, and became Linmayu. The other women there witnessed my initiation--leaving no room for any doubt that it was real--and I witnessed theirs, and saw a world of possibilities open up. Each woman's initiation is as unique as the woman herself--and nothing is too big for the Divine Feminine to handle. I've seen women break the chains of sexual abuse, create new and more fulfilling ways of being in relationship, and find firm, unshakable connection with their own divinity. I've gone down into the deepest depths of my despair and beyond--and felt completely safe to do so. I've danced with wildness and found an ecstasy and connection better than sex.

The logistics: The weekend will take place August 28, 29, and 30, in the Chicago area--exact location to be determined. We are already in the process of weaving the sacred container for the weekend. Currently, I believe, there is space for only 7 more women to attend. If you feel called to the space, or to fulfill a deep longing in your life--if that little voice in your gut is saying "Yes!" right now--then please contact me for further details. Send me a phone number you can be reached at and the best time to call, and I or one of the other team members will follow up with you promptly.

I'm feeling ridiculously excited about this event. I can't wait to see who will be there and what the Creator has in store for all of us this time.