On What Is #1

I've been inspired to write a series of poems on the current state of things--on loving and accepting exactly what is existing in the moment. Here goes~

The bottom has fallen out of me. I am a cup overturned, a gaping abyss. All falls through.
Can't hold on to a thing.
The walls clutch tight, uselessly.
Lava under pressure rises up my spine.
All is in motion.
Nothing is certain.
I dance in the void with my Divine Mother.

Filling the space

Well, come hell or high water, I'm posting something on here today...whether or not it's any good.

I spent this weekend attending Joan Forest Mage's shamanic training program, which continues to blow my mind wide open and confirm many of the things I'd always been thinking and feeling about the world. We did a lot of work with shamanic journeying and creating healing ritual, and gave birth to some amazing, spontaneous performance art in the process.

I finally feel fully, strongly connected to all of my nature--the intellectual side as well as the artistic side, the traditional side as well as the freedom-loving side. I spent many, many years denying my desire for intellectual stimulation, for the exploration of science and math, and for the sense of feeling truly connected with my family and ancestors. I did this because I felt that they would never let me be free, and that they would force me to give up the artistic pursuits that I love more than life itself. But trying to live such a selfish, narrowly focused life ultimately proved empty and unfulfilling, and a vague sense of guilt insidioiusly ate away at my ability to do anything creative at all.

A space has opened up in the universe for me to share the unique dancing gifts that I possess. I don't dance just to make a pretty picture for people to look at; I have come to realize that my dancing is energy work, with healing power, and that it is something I am Divinely called to. I can no longer run away from the fact that I have this gift and it needs to be developed to its fullest and shared with the world. Another space has opened up in the universe for me to develop my scientific mind to its fullest; with that, too, I can heal others. And I've realized that if I only step into one of those two spaces, I will be incomplete. I have to step into both; I am Divinely called to both.

I look forward to the challenges and opportunities that such a life will bring.

Best damn song in the world

I've got a playlist on my iPod that makes me feel the way I would feel if I were with the man that I want to be with. (It's important to have such things when working with the law of attraction.) It is mostly Hawaiian music, with a couple of my own compositions thrown in for good measure. This song, which just made it onto the list, pretty much says it all from the guy's point of view. I love the language, and the not-subtle sexual innuendo.

So yeah, I didn't write this one. Sue me. ;P My favorite version of it is by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, and can be gotten on iTunes; go download it! (That particular version makes me giggle like a fool because he changes the lyrics a bit, it goes "Our lips have met, our eyes not yet, you make me wet :D for you and I!" If he were a woman, I'd not enjoy that verse nearly as much.

Henehene Kou 'Aka
Merry Your Laughter
(A Traditional Song)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WEXQyxQkQs

Henehene kou `aka, kou le`ale`a paha
Merry your laughter, your gaiety perhaps
He mea ma`amau ia, for you and I
A usual thing this, for you and I
Henehene kou `aka, kou le`ale`a paha
Merry your laughter, your gaiety perhaps
He mea ma`amau ia, for you and I.
A usual thing this, for you and I.


Ka`a uila mâkâneki, `oni`oni kou kino
Car electro-magnetic (streetcar), jiggles your body
He mea ma`amau ia, for you and I
A usual thing this, for you and I
Ka`a uila mâkâneki, `oni`oni kou kino
Car electro-magnetic (streetcar), jiggles your body
He mea ma`amau ia, for you and I.
A usual thing this, for you and I.

I Kaka`ako mâkou, `ai ana pipi stew
We were at Kaka'ako, eating beef stew
He mea ma`amau ia, for you and I
A usual thing this, for you and I
I Kapahulu mâkou, `ai ana lîpoa
At Kapahulu we (are), eating brown seaweed
He mea ma`amau ia, for you and I
A usual thing this, for you and I
I Waikîkî mâkou, `au ana i ke kai
At Waikîkî we (are), swimming in the sea
He mea ma`amau ia, we put inside.
A usual thing this, we put inside.


Our eyes have met, our lips are wet
Mâlama pono kou kino, ah, when we put inside
Take care well your body, ah, when we put inside
Ha`ina mai ka puana, kou le`ale`a paha
Tell the summary refrain, your gaiety perhaps.
He mea ma`amau ia, for you and I.
A usual thing this, for you and I.


Ha`ina mai ka puana, kou le`ale`a paha
Tell the summary refrain, your gaiety perhaps.
He mea ma`amau ia, for you and I,
for you and I, for you and I...
A usual thing this, for you and I, for you and I, for you and I...

Things are happening fast!

Well, now my entire family knows about my intentions of moving to Hawaii, and none of them really argued with the idea. My brother did, however, advise me that if I was interested in dating Hawaiian men, I had better gain at least 75 pounds. (I think I'll do just fine as I am.)

I think part of the reason my parents are OK with it is because I have tentatively decided that I would, finally, make them happy by working in the healthcare field. (Hawaii has a dreadful shortage of healthcare workers--just like everywhere else in the country.) I had been thinking nursing but my dad suggested pharmacy, which I quickly decided was more in line with my talents (I'm better at chemistry than I am at gentleness). He even volunteered to call in a favor to let me shadow one of his colleagues in the field for a day or a week to get an idea of whether I'd enjoy it.

My original plan had been to stay in Chicago and work until I had enough money to buy a place outright, but it may be possible for me to stay here only long enough to complete my pre-pharmacy requirements (which I am fairly certain I can do in a year), and then apply to the University of Hawaii at Hilo College of Pharmacy.

(Am I going to get in, though? Of course I'm going to get in. If there's one thing in the world I have going for me it's that I've never been rejected by any college I applied to. Cornell thought my admissions essay was too weird so they asked me to write another one, and then I got in. :D I believe this whole thing is not because I'm extraordinarily smart, but rather, because so many people have told me so many times that I'm extraordinarily smart that I can't even conceive of the possibility of a school not accepting me. Confidence is hugely important. I am working to get my brother to adopt a similar mindset, as he wants to go to the University of Illinois but thinks he won't get in because they don't take normal white people anymore.)

I NEVER in a million years would have expected that my listening deeply to my own true desires would bring about a result so in line with what my parents wanted for me in the first place. I had always considered them as adversaries, as people hellbent on preventing me from ever being able to live my life the way I wanted to. There is still a long way to go, and I am not sure how things are going to fall into place...but I know they will. Everything is coming together quickly; it feels like heaven is raining blessings down on me.

Process

I don't write poems.

I don't create the topics, I don't choose the words. Rather, I think about a topic on which I'd like answers, and ask the Divine for an inspiration...and then wait. Sometimes it comes in a matter of seconds and sometimes it takes several writings over a period of several months to get to a place of clarity. Really, I expect that it'll take forever, as I'll always be refining my questions, asking new ones, and getting closer to the heart of what it is that my soul really came here to accomplish.

It is very hard for my mind to accept anything I write here, by the way. My mind wants everything to fit into the neat little boxes of academic disciplines, backed up by bibliographies and hard scientific research to prove my legitimacy...and I've got nothing. Only my own experience, and my own experiments based on theories like the Law of Attraction, which gets its own share of bad press for being based on "bad science." I'm going to come right out and say I don't know good science from bad. Who makes that call? What are THEIR credentials? Who gave them their credentials and what gave them the right to do so? Ultimately, someone somewhere made it all up.

My ex-husband used to often say that anyone whose last name is Raye made it up at some point, that it isn't a real name. Well, anyone with ANY name made it up at some point. At what point does "made-up" transition into "real"? Who gets to decide that?

There is no authority over us. There are things in our lives over which we have no control--but there's no one up there deciding what we can and cannot do. The process of Life Itself gives us the consequences to our actions, gives us exactly what we have asked for with our thoughts, words, and actions.

Fuck, I'm apparently moving to Hawaii...

It appears my time here in Chicago is limited.

There is a reason that I am angry and depressed in the winter. There is a reason I don't like to wear socks or pants, and am happiest in sandals and loose flowing skirts.

There is a reason I'm inordinately excited by jasmine and hibiscus, and feel most at home among palm trees and the ocean.

And there is a reason I got so obsessed with the hula when I was taking lessons (and still want to go back more than anything).

Last May I had an extremely vivid dream in which this absolutely gorgeous Hawaiian man came out of the blue, made love to me, got me pregnant and told me to leave my husband for him. When I woke up, something told me that this dream was different from a normal dream, yet I didn't really let it go past the confines of my own mind. But today I was looking on Amazon.com for something or another, and for some reason I clicked on this book. And I clicked the "Search inside this book" link, and a few pages later I just about died because I SAW HIM. He was, in every detail, identical to the man from my dream, and the look in his eyes absolutely blew me away. (For those who are curious, it's the half-nekkid picture of Duke Kahanamoku, 6 clicks in.)

Now Mr. Kahanamoku died at a ripe old age before I was born, and thus is not really an ideal romantic partner for me, but the instant recognition when I saw him confirmed something: There is a certain energy, a certain love consciousness, that I just plain need to experience in this lifetime--and it's not to be found in this concrete jungle. I don't belong here.

Now I am not sure I belong in Hawaii either, but there is only one way to find out and that is to go live there for a while. So, my plan is to get enough money together to buy a condo on the Big Island, and then go live there and find out whether I'm right or wrong. I was just on hiloguy's blog and the gut feeling I got from reading it is that I am right. We shall see. Apparently the Big Island is seriously lacking in healthcare workers, so I could become one, and kill two birds with one stone: finding a way to make a living in Hawaii, and making my parents incredibly happy by working in their field. It's a thought. I will definitely be following up on it.

Concrete jungle #3

I think it's the third one, anyway.

This process is beginning to scare me. Whenever I find myself being inspired to write something about the work I want to do, it seems to always end up being about God. I do not feel ready to really step out and declare myself a spiritual person--even though I know that when I came into this world, SOMEONE decided I was going to do exactly that, as my parents gave me the middle name "Vedakumari" meaning "holy daughter." I do not consider myself holy--at least not any more than anyone else--but maybe that's the point. Maybe we are all holier than 20th century American culture would have us believe. I have a hunch that when all is said and done, the 21st century will bear this out.

This world
does not exist
to funnel us all down the same straight and narrow path.

Infinite expansion is the nature of my universe, the nature of the universe created by my God.

The fires of passion
The flow of consciousness
The growth of connection, strong connection, a web of constantly strengthening connection reaching over the entire face of the earth--this is the desire awakened in me.

Who has the guts to step out of the box, to grow up, to stake her own claim on the piece of the universe laid out for her? To take the first tentative steps on a half-defined path, coming into form in front of her as we speak?

If I say I do, who is going to come down on my head and say I can't?

I dare you.

Concrete jungle #2

Yay, found it!

I feel like anyone could have written this damn thing. I don't even like it very much because it feels so cliched. But it was important for me to come out and say it, because of all the years spent believing that NOTHING matters.

People matter, animals matter, insects matter, plants matter.

The creatures of the sea, and the sea itself, they all matter.

The rocks and the mountains, though they seem inorganic and dead, they still matter, they still contain life and spirit.

The air matters, and the water, and the soil.

Our homes matter and our stuff matters. Our bodies matter, our minds and our feelings too.
Our money matters, and our freedom.
Our family, friends, lovers--and our enemies and strangers.